Sunday, December 23, 2007

Christmas Miracles

This year, I'm thankful for miracles, big and small.

First, there's the obvious. God sent His precious son Jesus to earth, knowing he would die for our sins. Yes, He knew that he would ultimately conquer death and offer us a way to be with Him forever, but the reality of watching your son suffer and even die gets more intense with every wonderful day I spend with two sons of my own.

Now, for the smaller, but still important, Christmas miracles.

We have a family picture. In the snow! Do you know how much Joel hates to have his picture taken? And in this picture, there are no painful or awkwards smiles, no eyes closed...Joel actually looks like his handsome self. I am thrilled.

Last Christmas, we never would have guessed that this Christmas, we would be a family of four with little boy who is one month old. He is beautiful and healthy...and loved.

We sent a Christmas card. Before Christmas. If you know me, you know this is an incredible feat, and that my body must still be filled with some sort of magic baby hormone that causes me to start and, yes, finish a task. Not that I can take all the credit. It still wouldn't have happened without my incredible husband. But, I did more that just have a good intention... and some days, that really feels like big miracle.

Thursday, November 29, 2007

More pics

For now, we haven't made the time to "free" our pictures from the the camera. In the meantime, here are some pics from the hospital...

Sunday, November 25, 2007


I guess you could call it a pre-party.

No one was sure when they booked their flight if they were coming to meet Beckett, be here while he was born, or help me pass the time waiting for his arrival. Turned out, it was a little of all three. Sammi got here Friday night, Casey got here Saturday, and Donna got here Monday. Joel was definitely outnumbered, for now, and I was very thankful for 3 "low maintenance" ladies since we only have one bathroom.

Every evening, I had the same old contractions. Anywhere from 15 to 8 minutes apart, but they never turned into anything, other than sending me downstairs for another trip to the restroom in the middle of the night.

Monday, I wanted to take everyone to Forest Park because Casey and Sam hadn't seen much in St. Louis yet, and I thought a long walk might get things going. But the car wouldn't start, so we ended up at Dobbs, where I told them I was due the next day and having contractions so if they could PLEASE finish my car today it would be a huge help. Then we walked to a park in our neighborhood. Casey fixed us a delicious dinner that night.

The park or the dinner did the trick, because by 4:00 am Tuesday morning, my contractions were 6 minutes apart and getting stronger. Which leads us to the next part of the story....

...and then there were four.

Dylan Beckett Lindsey is here!!!!!

More details to come, but here are the basics.

Beckett was born on Wednesday, November 21st at 1:31 p.m. He weighed in at 8 lbs 7 oz. ( a peanut compared to his big brother) and 21 inches long.

We're all healthy, happy to be home, and feeling great.

Monday, November 12, 2007

Logically Speaking

Eli has been hilarious lately. He's testing out new words and phrases, and finding some that he especially likes. Favorites are, "right now," "because," "um," "and so then."

A few examples...

"I'm holding the granola bar...because I'm eating it right now." (Last night, while walking around at the park.)

"I'm sorry, we can't go to the zoo right now, because it's raining outside." (The other day, while looking out the window. A few weeks before, we had to skip a trip to the zoo due to the rain.)

Today at breakfast, I turned on the kitchen light. Eli said a minute or so later, "Turn the light off." Joel asked, "Why do you want the light off?" He replied, "Because it's on."

"The hippos are crying, because they can't see an excavator." (This afternoon, while we read Hippos Go Berzerk before his nap. The excavator knowledge is complements of the road construction on Hwy 40.)

Oh Dear...

Friday night, Eli went to play at the Longs' house while Joel and I went to dinner with some friends.

Looks like Eli had some fun.

It started off tame.

But then someone decided to liven' things up a bit.

Yep, this is blackmail material.

Saturday, November 10, 2007

Under Nine

Lately, when offered sweets, instead of "no, thank you," I have been known to pat my belly and say "under nine."

I haven't turned them all down, and Halloween certainly didn't help matters. But, overall, I've been much more careful than I was while pregnant with Eli to avoid sugar and sweets. So far, I've gained 18 lbs this pregnancy. Even so, they estimated that Beckett was already 7 lbs and 4 oz at my 36 week ultrasound.

Eli was 9 lbs and 12 oz. Yikes! Adorable and sweet, but big.

I really want to do a VBAC (vaginal birth after c-section), so I am hoping to "keep" Beckett under 9 lbs. Not that I am incredibly excited about delivering an 8 lb. 12 oz. baby either, but that at least sounds doable.

So, if I turn down that cupcake that you offer me, don't think it's because of some super will-power. I just want to be able to hold BOTH our boys on my lap soon after Beckett arrives, not have to recover from surgery.

Save me some ice cream, because after Beckett is on the outside, I have some cravings to indulge!

"Bobcats go in circles"

I don't think it's possible to forget this stage of Eli's life. But just in case...

Eli is OBSESSED with Bobcats!!!

Common phrases you might hear from him.
"Bobcats dig in the dirt."
"Bobcats go in circles!" (He likes to use this sentence as a greeting, in place of the more common "hi."He got it because of the videos he watches on YouTube with Joel where the Bobcats do go in circles.)
"Bobcat music." (Courtesy of background music on the YouTube video.)
"I'm crazy about Bobcats."
"The Bobcat is working now."
"The Bobcat is resting now."
" They might be in the garage right now." (He loves adding "right now" on the end of his sentences these days.
"I'm looking for Bobcats right now," or "Look for Bobcats." (He says this every time we get in the car."
"Keep looking. I don't see one right now." (While we drive, if we haven't seen one."
"Eli, look at that Bobcat!!!!" (When he spots one, which is more frequent than you our I would ever imagine.
"There's the con-suc-sions worker on the Bobcat."
"I ride on the Bobcat."
Yes, I actually pray for Bobcats. At naps or bedtime, he will often request that we pray for them. Or, when we're driving, sometimes I ask God to let us cross paths or point us in the right direction.
Just one example of the things that surprise you about parenting.

The Countdown...

I'm trying to ignore the fact that it's been months since I wrote anything here. It certainly isn't because life has been boring. There are so many wonderful and hard things I'd like to remember, and it gets more overwhelming each day to think about capturing it here. It's the same old issue. I stink at summarizing ANYTHING.

This entry is me trying to overcome the tendency to scrap the whole thing if I can't do it the way I originally intended.

And here's where we're at now.

Ready. 10 days until our due date. Yes, I can think of the a million things I would love to do before our new little boy gets here, but really, we are ready. It feels great, especially when it comes to our house being so much more put together then when Eli was born. It feels like a home. No drywall dust. Closets with clothes hanging in them. Walls. Paint. Pictures on the wall. And it's amazing how much Joel and I have gotten done in the past three weeks. Lots of things that aren't directly related to the baby, like cleaning out the basement, but are motivated by the awareness that life as we know it will change completely. I'm very aware that my "spare" time is about to disappear.

I think, I hope, I'm doing a little of my typical "worst case scenario" planning here. I am planning on being overwhelmed, tired, stuck in the house alot, lonely, challenged by the new level of discipline having two kids will require, concerned over how Eli will handle the transition and less attention, aware that number two may not be the easy baby that Eli was, etc. But I'm also aware that I will have the opportunity to find moments to savor, and that there will be a sweetness in it all.

Our family is growing...and so is our joy.

Monday, October 15, 2007

Does this count as a date?

Okay, so it isn't really news to anyone that kids get together for playdates.

When the kids are only two, I think it's safe to say that the play date is more for the the moms than the kids. I do love hanging out with Lisa, and our frequent gatherings at the park. Eli loves to talk about Matt, Lisa, and their sweet little girl Audrey, who just turned a year.

But here's the question.

If you voluntarily give up your tricyle to a girl, and voluntarily push her on the tricycle...
Then give her an eskimo kiss (ok, we told him to do that part)...

Then is it more than a playdate? Is it a real date?

Saturday, October 13, 2007

34 Weeks

We haven't been great about taking pictures during this pregnancy, since I'm usually the one taking the pictures. But here's one of me and my friend Ashley. We're both at 34 weeks- our due dates are two days apart!

Friday, August 31, 2007

24 Weeks

Sometimes, it's still hard to believe that a fourth member of our family is arriving this fall. I know it's just around the corner, but I just can't picture what our life will look like then. Right now, I just know to trust God, and savor this stage. The simple joys of loving one child- being able to pay attention to everything he says, indulging in long outings at the park, taking time to explore almost everything he's curious about, resting during his marathon afternoon naps, being very portable, restful nights, one wake-up and bed-time routine...and yet I trust that God has immeasurable blessing in store for our family with the new addition.

Here's a pic of me and my tummy these days... We're still stuck on a name, but we have time, right?

Sunday, August 26, 2007

The Cupcakery

We decided this should be a tradition. A visit to The Cupcakery for any Lindsey birthday.


Friday, August 24, 2007

Eli is TWO!!!

This little boy has some kind of intuition. Does he KNOW what a birthday is? He woke up at 5:30 this morning (versus his usual 8:00) as if to say, "this is my big day, and I don't want to miss it."

Then, he was snuggling in our bed, and Joel got up earlier than usual to take a shower. When he came back in the room, Eli said, "Daddy, pay gawf?" Yep, that's exactly where Joel was headed.

Then, Joel said, "Eli, we have a song to sing for you." When we started singing Happy Birthday, Eli sat up, put his hands in his lap, and grinned ear to ear. "I see big trains. Climb the stairs. Ring the bell." He was talking about the train museum we visited last weekend, which is where we are having his birthday party tomorrow.

More birthday updates soon...

Friday, August 10, 2007

Boy Stuff

Eli got an early birthday present from our neighbors down the street. They were moving, and gave him a very cool tricycle. The moment he saw it, he hopped on as if he'd done it a million times. He's got the steering thing down. "I tun ayound. I go dis way."

What was even funnier is that he STAYED on while Joel and our neighbor filled each of the tires.
He scooted along for the rest of the afternoon. We even brought it in the house for a while, but that didn't do great things for our walls- it's definitely an outside bike.
Ahhh, a boy and his bike. Good times.

Monday, July 30, 2007


We have lots of fun Nonna stories and pictures to share. Words cannot describe the blessing of her visit.

Some highlights-

Eli woke up each morning saying, "Go see Nonna".

She gave him dancing lessons, and he loved it.

We got to go to church together.

We ate Ted Drew's.

He learned "Jesus loves the little ones like, me, me, me."

He now requests "da saints"...aka Oh When the Saints.

We visited the Botanical Gardens.

We ate Ted Drew's.

When we pass Starbucks, Eli says, "Nonna coffee."

Joel and I got to go on a two night retreat together.

We enjoyed an all-american block party.

We ate Ted Drew's.

Tuesday, June 19, 2007

Everything in it's place...

This is the kind of thing I could easily forget. But shouldn't. Yesterday was a long day, filled with trials, sweet moments, and prayer.

I woke up at 4:00 am. That's been a routine for about a week now. A trip to bathroom, a drink of water, and a quick prayer that I will be able to fall asleep again easily. But yesterday, I was wide awake and felt restless. I thought maybe God was trying to get my attention. Pray...for someone. There are lots of people in our community hurting right now. So I started praying. Then my tummy rumbled. Uh oh.

As is usually the case after getting sick, I felt better immediately. Then comes the waiting time. Was this a one time only thing? Or the beginning of a bug.

20 minutes later...yep, it's a bug.

Joel is leaving at 6:30 am for a 3 day trip to Dallas. He made a quick trip to the store to buy me some ginger ale. Sweet. Still, I try to think about an entire day of this with a toddler who surely will not understand why I don't want to play.

Around 10:00, I was dead tired, and since Eli still doesn't watch t.v., so I called our neighbor Liza to see if she could take Eli for a walk. She came over to pick him up. But he just layed across my lap, saying, "hug." He seems to have a sixth sense for when things are not quite right, and I didn't want to send him off in the wagon screaming. So we walked across the street, and got him started playing with her boys in the backyard. 10 minutes later, I headed home for a nap.

At 12:45, she brought him back over. He seemed cheerful. She said he didn't eat much lunch.

At 12:50, he was playing with his toys right in front of me, and he threw up. His eyes were wide as he looked at me, trying to figure out what was happening. He cried. "Falling out? Is falling out?" he said in between heaves. I felt helpless. Our everything-in-it's-place little boy does not like it when things spill. And he started trying to pick it up. I told him "No, don't touch!" and realized that I sounded like I was scolding him right in the middle of it all. How could I make him understand that this mess was okay, that I would take care of it?

The next time, he said "fall out again" right before he threw up. It happened another 10-15 times. It still makes me teary to think of it. He doesn't know to lean forward over a sink or toilet. He doesn't know that wood floors are easier to clean that carpet or a couch. He does know that he feels safe when his head is on my shoulder or he is laying in my lap. At one point, I settled for putting a towel on the floor and just letting him lay on my lap. More than anything, I wanted him to be safe and comforted.

How do you answer a 21 month old who begs for apple juice or water when you know they will only throw it up in 30 seconds? How do you tell them it is best for them to be thirsty and let their tummy settle down, so they can get better?

Just another reminder of the things I ask God for... when the answer is "no" or "not yet."

Is there anything in the world that will make a mother forget her own discomfort more quickly than the discomfort of her child? I guess somewhere I still new I was tired and thirsty and hungry, but it wasn't such a big deal anymore.

Finally, around 7:00 p.m., he kept a 1/2 ounce of water down. At 7:15, we tried another. I'd set the timer each time and try to distract him as he said, a million times, "Nore attel zuice? Nore? Mama, nore peeze?" My heart ached. Then the timer would go off, and it was time to ration some more.

At 9:00, he feasted on some banana and toast.

At 9:45, he was asleep. Peacefully.

He stayed asleep until 10:30 this morning, when I woke him up.

Today, I am thanking God for our health, and for the lessons.

Friday, June 15, 2007

The Potty

After Eli's bath last night, he said, "I go potty."

I said, "Yes, you went potty in the bathtub. Now it's time to put a diaper and pajamas on."

"All creatures, " he said. That means he wants to listen to All Creatures of Our God and King on the CD player.

"Ok, you can listen to it one time."

He went into the office, turned on the stereo, and pressed play. Disc 48 began. He was as nude as can be, slowly bending his knees and standing back up with a big grin on his face

"I dancing." Pause. "Ah-yay-yu-yah." "I go potty."

And he walked over to his little potty chair, sat down, and smiled. This was a big moment, since he was actually sitting on it. I got the camera and took a few pictures. He wanted to see them of course. He was proud. Finally, since it was after 9:00, I decided it really was time for bed.

He stood up, and lo and behold he'd actually peed in the potty!!! I congratulated him, and showed him how we empty it in the big potty and flush the toilet. He loves to flush. We called Joel to tell him the big news.

I don't think we're anywhere near saying goodbye to diapers, but I'm certainly not going to keep him from trying if he's interested. We'll see how it goes...

Monday, June 11, 2007

Savannah, GA

After six days in Hilton Head, we headed to Savannah, GA with Essie, Jennifer, Sarah and Shane. The city it filled with amazing old buildings and squares, which are little parks designed by Oglethorp. We went to Aunt Jen's church where Eli kept repeating the pastor when he'd say "pray" or "Jesus" or "Amen". After church, we drove around the city and ate lunch. It was fun to watch Shane and Eli together. Shane was so patient, loved to make Eli laugh, and could tell that Eli adored him. Goodbyes were hard, and Eli kept looking for everyone in the hotel room that evening and the next day. Later we spent some time at the park, and of course visited a local ice cream shop.

Say a Little Prayer

About a month ago, Joel and I decided to start praying with Eli before meals, naps, and bedtime. We prayed with him sometimes, but there was no real routine to it. We realized he was definitely beginning to understand what being "thankful" was about. (When he says "thank you mama" it melts my heart.) Soon, he'd understand that there's a God who loves him. So, we began with prayers before "his" dinner, since we don't always eat when he does.

At breakfast on the morning of May 21st, he put his head down, eyes wide open and looking at us, and said quietly, "Thank you Jesus. Amen." It was the sweetest thing. Lately, when we forget to pray, he'll stop partway through eating and say, "Pay? Momma, pay?" "Do you want to pray Eli?" "Yeah" "Okay, let's pray."

Sometimes, he lowers his voice, babbles a bit, and then says, "Amen." Only God knows what he's saying, but I'm sure it makes Him smile.

When we were in Hilton Head, he said his first "big" prayer. The three of us sat down to dinner, and Joel led us in prayer, thanking God for our food, our vacation, the beach, the waves, etc. All three of us said "Amen." A minute later, Eli said, "Pay again? More pay?" I didn't think he would understand what I said next, but I thought it was a start.

"Eli, you can pray whenever you want. God will always listen."
"Do you want to pray again?"
"Ok, go ahead."
"Thank you Jesus for potty....(pause)....beach. Amen."

Eli doesn't actually use the potty (yet), but he LOVES to tear off a little toilet paper, put it in the toilet, flush it, and close the lid. The toilet at the condo was much easier to flush than ours at home, and he was thrilled. So I guess he understands a part of prayer- that we thank God for all blessings, big and small. Potties included.

First Trip to the Beach

We were tremendously blessed by an opportunity to go to Hilton Head, SC for a week over Memorial Day. We got to spend time with family, since Aunt Jen lives in Savannah, and Essie, Sarah, and Shane made the trip up from Adel, GA. It was a true vacation...a beautiful 2 bed/2 bath condo near the beach, weather in the mid 80's, seafood, naps, sand, waves, seashells, some golf for Joel, some bike rides, and lots of relaxing.

Some of our favorite highlights include Eli's first real prayer: "Thank you Jesus for potty...beach...amen." He loved to put the seashells "away" in the water. He loved the elevator to get to our room, the bikes with the "car" in the back, pushing a toy truck around on the beach, the birds, floating in his boat in the water, and watching other kids in the pool. I loved spending so much time with Joel, falling asleep hearing the waves, taking naps whenever we wanted, the king bed, the jacuzzi tub, the beach, and the ice cream.

Monday, May 7, 2007

Eskimo Kisses

Eli gives eskimo kisses.

The Four Lindseys

Our friend Diana took some pictures last week of the "four" Lindseys...

12 weeks of cravings

With Eli, I craved an occasional bean and cheese burrito from Taco Bell. Then, for a long time, it was lots of fruit. Almonds. Towards the end, it was shaved ice from the stand down the street, and eventually, it was just ice in ANY form.

I really think this baby is a girl. If so, all 2.5 inches of her are causing quite a strange, rapidly changing list of cravings. Pickles. McDonald's cheese burgers. Yogurt. Enchiladas. Grape popsicles. Skittles. Tacos. Soft serve ice cream. Do you notice anything healthy on this list? Me neither. The yogurt stands alone as the sole nutrition.

Poor little girl. I need to start feeding her better.

The Kuck

I think it started two days ago. Now it's in full swing. This little boy has fallen in love with his truck.

I bought it when he was a few months old, but he never paid much attention to it. For several weeks, he's been calling out ever truck and bus he sees, including a very exciting few days when our neighbors across the street had a new patio and sidewalk poured. Ahhh, the cement truck. Eli stood on the couch and barely left the window when that truck was there.

So the other evening, when I was getting him ready for bed, he walked over to the shelf where his toys are, pulled the red fire engine down, and said "Kuck." He carried it over to the chair where we read books, and wanted it in his lap with us. That next morning, when I went to get him up, he declared enthusiastically, "Kuck!" (instead of "fam", "mama", "daddy", "fun", "waffle", or "owside"- the favorites up to this point.) And he insisted on carrying it downstairs with him for breakfast. He pushed it across the floor on his knees, spin the tires, and carried it from room to room. That evening, the truck had to come upstairs for bed too. He's not trying to sleep with it...yet.

We love this little boy.

Tuesday, April 17, 2007

We Love This Boy!!

At least 7 strangers in the past week have told Joel and I to "enjoy every minute because they grow up so fast." We believe them. We try to savor every minute. It still goes fast.

So these are the recent things that I feel sure I will remember 10 years from now, but I know better.

Eli will extend his cup, binkie, a pen, etc. and say "To me?" That means he wants to hand it to you. It was funny when I realized what he was saying, and that it came from me asking, "Can you want to give it to me?"

"Ma-nore?" makes us smile every time. It means "one more".

He'll lay his head on something, grin, and say "night night." Often it's a pillow. But sometimes it's a bench or a table or random thing.

He loves to point to and name his body parts. Eyes, mowf, hair, bewy (belly), ear, penis, towz, foot, eeth, chin, knees, ebow, ose (and then "yuck" when he puts his finger up it).

He asks for hugs. "Hug? Hug?" And he lays his head on your shoulder, while your heart melts. He sometimes follows it with, "Again?" to request another kiss or hug.

He says, "Daddy car?" when he sees a Volkswagon or black sedan.

He loves letters. We don't know how it happened, but he knows every lower case letter except q. He gets p, d, and b mixed up sometimes. But it's the cutest thing to watch him spot a letter somewhere and declare enthusiastically, "x!".

Yesterday, when Joel left for work, Eli waved goodbye at the window. I said, "We love you Daddy!" and Eli replied with "I yuv yew." We had to call Joel to tell him again. I think he almost turned the car around and came home. : )

Water & Sunshine

I first joked with Joel that I was part plant. Then I realized I wasn't really kidding. Joel can tell if I've been outside. Direct a few sunbeams at my head and watch my spirit smile. Put me in or near water AND sunshine and watch it soar. I've even apologized a few times for the silly mood that the combination of the two can bring.
We just got back from Phoenix, AZ. We were all thrilled to leave rainy St. Louis behind for a few days and soak up some desert sun. We swam, slept, explored, ate, talked, and Joel enjoyed a 36 holes of golf. Eli pleaded with us as soon as he woke up each morning. "Outsiiiiiiide? Outsiiiiiide?" It was 5:45 a.m. since he was still 2 hours ahead on St. Louis time.

By 9:30 a.m. it was warm enough to go to the pool, and he was floating around in the water in his "boat".

But he was just as content to sit on our laps, read a book, and soak up some sun.

His favorite thing of all surprised us.
Rocks. I didn't even realize that we don't have rocks around our house until he became obsessed with them there. He'd see a landscaped area with rocks, point and call out "yocks! yocks!" then plop down on his bottome, placing them one by one on the cement until he had a large pile. Then put each of them back. I don't know how long he would spend on this project if we let him. I never lasted more than a half hour before I needed a change of scenery or a softer seat.

Monday, April 2, 2007

Happy Thanksgiving

A fortune cookie in March gave us a little hint about our Thanksgiving. Here's what it said.

"Your nurturing instinct will expand to include many people."

What do you think of when you read that? I thought, "I need to buy a pregnancy test."

So I did.

Then Donna went to Safeway in our p.j.'s at 10:30 at night to buy another. Because those one's at the Dollar Store are, well, only a dollar. How good can they be? (That's what I get for laughing at my friend who took 7 positive tests before realizing that yes, she IS pregant.)

That one was positive too.

I told Joel on Sunday when I got home from CA. I asked him to pick up the picture at Walgreen's and "check them first to make sure they turned out okay."

He came out of the store with a huge grin on his face.

We think it's a girl.

And now, our prayer before dinner closes with "God bless this meal to all FOUR of us."

The Lindsey Family is growing.

Bi op sy

Here's the dictionary definition of the word biopsy.

bi·op·sy (bps) n. 1. The removal and examination of a sample of tissue from a living body for diagnostic purposes. 2. A specimen so obtained.

It was a whirlwind of a week. I was sick the first week of March. Tired, coughing, swollen lymph nodes, and not feeling "right". I went to the Dr., got some bloodwork and chest x-rays. It came back fine, and he thought it was some sort of virus. I started to feel better, but that lump was still there, and I knew it wasn't right to ignore it. It especially got the best of me at night, lying awake and letting my imagination go to all sorts of scary places. Cancer. Cancer and pregnant. Cancer, pregnant, and having to choose between treatment or a baby. Crying until I fell asleep. And to think, I'm normally pretty logical!!

Joel and I decided it would be good for me to go to Paradise, CA for a few days to be with Donna, help her pack, and begin to wrap my mind and heart around their upcoming divorce. It was hard to leave Eli. If it wasn't for the special "father-son" memories I knew they'd be making, I wouldn't have been able to get on that plane. 4 days, 3 nights, and my first trip without Eli. Heartbreaking! I kept reminding myself it wouldn't have been fair to bring him, and Joel and Eli would have a great time. I thought maybe God had something in store for me with a little more time that usual for reflection and just making decisions for "one".

I got sick on the flight out there. Sore throat. I wanted to just push through, but I was EXHAUSTED. Friday, I did some packing. We went to pick up the moving truck, and I got to see my Dad's old best friend, Steve Williams. Later, we began loading the moving truck. I was feeling twinges and pangs with any lifting, but chalked it up to sickness. That night we went to Chinese Food, which deserves it's own entry, but included the amazing and wonderful news that I'm pregnant! I started trying to think of fun ways to tell Joel, and process the news myself.

My throat hurt like crazy, I was losing my voice, I was tired, bleeding a bit, emotional, fragile, sad for the Seamans, excited about the pregnancy...quite a mess really. We went to the Warings on Saturday, where I shared the news (Joel still didn't know) and Dr. Waring looked at my throat. I mentioned the other swollen lymph nodes and he said I should get them biopsied if it hadn't gone down for over a month. I left telling myself it was nothing. But during the drive home, my imagination kicked into gear. Emotions fueled the fire. Soon tears were streaming down my face, and I decided I needed a voice of reason. My third phone call was to the doctors exchange, where the nurse kindly reassured me that everything would be fine, and had the dr. call me. He was also reassuring, telling me that the x-ray hadn't damaged the baby, I can take Tylenol for my throat, if anything was "really" wrong my body wouldn't let me get pregnant, rest to help stop the bleeding, and that they would see me on Monday for the lymph node. I felt better.

All this, and I still hadn't told Joel! I got home Sunday afternoon, and shared the news that evening.

Monday, I saw a doctor. She said the wanted the lymph node out immediately, and scheduled an appointment with a surgeon. Tuesday, blood draws at the OB, and the bleeding subsided. Wednesday, the appointment with the surgeon, who was 90% sure it was "nothing". Surgery scheduled for Friday. Wednesday night, tears and fear. I had no voice, and tearily croaked through Eli's bedtime stories. Goodnight Moon and I Love It When You Smile never seemed so bittersweet. That night, I wept and tried bargaining with God..."just let me be around long enough so that Eli will know and remember how much I love him...really, it's for the best that you keep me wouldn't be fair to Joel to take someone else from him..." I was pulling out all the stops, even while I knew that what I needed was to SURRENDER. Thursday, blood draw at the OB, lots of kind reassurance about doing the surgery while I was pregnant, and finally feeling a glimmer of the hope that in 90% favorable odds the surgeon had given. Again, this is all crazy because normally, my brain WINS these tug of wars, and it was so clearly not in this case.

So here's my definition of biopsy.
1. The removal of false security and sense of entitlement to a long life.
2. The process of acknowledging God's goodness and authority.
3. The perspective and faith so obtained.

Friday, we dropped Eli off at a friends and went to the hospital. The nurses were great. I felt nervous after the anesthesiologist came in, because he seemed very concerned about me bring pregnant. He cleared the surgery (again) with our OB. They explained that they would "put me under" while they administered the local anesthetic, then bring me out of it to do the rest of the procedure with a light sedative to take the edge off. The whole surgery was supposed to take a half hour. I asked the surgeon if there was anyway he could tell by looking at it. He said there was no good way to know without the pathology reports that would come back the next week, but that everything would fine. "Don't sweat it," he said. It helped. But I didn't know how I would be able to wait A WEEK for those results.

I was surprised when I woke up in the recovery room (instead of surgery) to these words from the nurse, "Honey, you're in the recovery.They didn't need to remove the lymph node after all. It turns out, you had a hernia, and they repaired it."

I croaked "Okay", got grateful tears in my eyes, thanked God, and fell back asleep. In the meantime, the surgeon was out delivering the news to Joel in the waiting room. (He said the surgery took longer because I had several coughing fits, so they had to keep me under and wait to finish the repair."

God answered the prayer I didn't think I "could" pray. To know something when I woke up, and for it to be "nothing" at all. I'll take a femoral hernia over a suspicious lymph node any day.

Later, as the nurse wheeled me to a different room, she said, "We just hate to see people your age, with kids and a young family, in for that kind of surgery. Finding out that you didn't need that biopsy was the best news all day. Congratulations honey."

Joel and I called the OB's office while we were still at the hospital. They said my blood tests results look great, and scheduled an appointment for an ultrasound the next week.In the meantime, I'm pretty sore, supposed to avoid coughing, not lift anything over twenty pounds, and take it easy for a while. : )

A huge burden has been lifted. But I don't want the lesson to be gone with it. We're thanking God for his goodness to us, and the clearer perspective that comes from times like this.


Thursday, February 15, 2007


I remember using blankets and pillows. Or the space under my parent rolltop desk. The bottom bunk of our bunk beds. In the summer, it was the family tent-trailer, when the top was down. Forts. Those little spaces that are just the right size for a kid. Eli got a tent for Christmas from The Kunz family. It was on backorder, so it came this month, on a particulary cold day when we were all experiencing a little cabin fever. If only a new toy would magically appear at the door. We opened the box right away...

Joel put it together...

... and Eli immediately fell in love with the tent.

Each morning, he smile, points and says "tet". Sometimes he reads, sometimes he brushes his teeth, sometimes he plays with his truck or talks on the phone. But it's his tet...and we all know, everything is more fun in the fort.